Zombingaloroo-uuu-u

(Kindly read this in a heavy whispering voice. No, heavier, yes, you can do it.)

Year: 2019
Place: Looroouuu (Speak this word slow and with wheezing in your voice)

It has been more than 418 days since the Sun came out, here in Looroouuu. Yes, 418 days without Sun in Looroouuu. A 1000 or so years ago, this was called Bendakaluru. Then it became Bangalore 200 odd years ago under British rule and then it stayed the same for some years after British left. Then it became Bengalooroo few years ago and then it became Bengalooroouuu. Similar additions of oouuu and removal of other useless alphabets have resulted in the current name and eventually it will become just U*.

*If this city survives. If not even the U will disappear into oblivion.

Anyways, that’s not the point. Point is that this place which was a bustling city overflowing with people young and old (and making world a better place through innovation and servicing the Information Technology industry of the world), till some couple of years ago has now become a deserted place with only a handful of entities left. Since the outbreak of the virus Zombola 2 years ago somewhere in the country called USA, it took away life and life out of property with it. Bangalore was the worst hit of the all because people downloaded the viruses through torrents and injected themselves with it using the pen drive injection iCrack* (which was Apple’s most innovative product since their last most innovative product which was bigger, better and thinner) which then lead to disastrous results. Yes, the virus which was originated as a computer code eventually got mixed with the human genome code and made the people Half-Human-Half-Zombie.

(You can now stop whispering but keep the tone heavier, for dramatic effects which this post needs but doesn’t deserve)

About 418 days ago, Zombola spreaded like Wild Fire in this city. Everyone got affected. (Dramatic Pause) Everyone. Govt. officials who had already evacuated (not sure why), then quarantined the city. Half-Human-Half-Zombie people had got no clue whatsoever but they had been trapped, left on their own on that day. Nobody could go out, nobody could come in. People didn’t know that they have been converted to something beyond their beliefs. They had been zombified. The only good thing which happened because of this was the return of Awesome Bangalore Weather, which had gone extinct somewhere in the 2010s due to excessive jinxing by tweeting. The Half-Human-Half-Zombies didn’t realize that the disappearance of Sun would be even more fatal for them eventually, as now they didn’t know whether it was day or night. Because the office they worked in, always had lights on and windows closed, the only source of their Vitamin D had been blocked by the clouds. In this precarious situation, Half-Human-Half-Zombie people went into a weird limbo. Where they thought, everything was fine, but nothing was. This new species was termed PeopleZ (People + Zombies) because there was no one left to think of any better name, as they were all ill.

PeopleZ facial features now resembled Zombies but they all wore formals. Even on Fridays. They roamed all around the roads shouting ‘Appraisals! Appraisals’ but in horrific and deafening and coarse voices. Their only source of food was HID cards which they still wore with their companies tag. But they still had half of their brains left which made them realize that if they chew off their HID cards, they will die. So they just sucked it. The City roads had become more frightening than ever because the traffic had cleared off, which was like a shock to the people who had already been shocked many times over due to the recent events. PeopleZ thought that this meant they could easily roam around and reach respective offices on time but such thoughts were short-lived because the Autorickshaw Drivers had gotten infected more. Auto Rickshaws appeared on the road out of nowhere and they could hit you from any directions possible if you stood near the road, even on footpaths. The hit carcass was then harassed by the driver zombies by asking for 20 more Rupees extra on the meter. Sigh.

The main cause of all of this predicament was iCrack. Probably this is what Apple founder Steve Jobs always wanted i.e. mix people, computer and make them high, but we will never know. Status-Quo has been maintained since all these days. Well, you forgot to ask but this is a memoir being written by me. The only human survivor (I think, I wish I had someone else with me too to repopulate the city but all in vain) who has survived the onslaught by hiding under the Silk Board Bridge and not buying the iDevices in first place. Also, even the PeopleZ can’t come near Silk Board even now where light is still Red. This is a win win situation for me which has helped me survive as well, I must add. I am still waiting the light to turn green but observing the city from close proxmities by hiding and surviving. Let’s see how long I can hold on to dear life. Over & Out.

PeopleZ

Humor is dying

They say that Print is dying. Which is technically correct, print has always been dying ink onto paper. But sadly, digital media is actually killing the newspaper. Not because everyone now has a mobile phone with Internet and everything is available online easily. But because the quality of newspaper hasn’t increased much and admit it, it is difficult to hold while you are on a commode, unlike your phone which is so easy (until it slips from your hand and…)

Print is actually dying faster nowadays because new age websites which present content in lists and bullet points have become immensely popular. Their motive is to break down the story into 35 points or average IQ of the reader (whichever is lower) to make people understand the point the news is trying to make. Now since I am a very happy going (jolly?) and optimistic person, I don’t like to read sad news only. Enough of killing, corruption, crimes against women and hatred against creed, caste or religion. I expect a piece which is full of satire, wit and name calling of any one with whom I don’t agree with. So to find genuine humor in a newspaper, either you have to read a Hindi newspaper where all news items are deliberately presented with a headline which unintentionally sounds funny, or you have to find light hearted humor pieces online.

Online there were funny blogs and funny columns. Then there were sites like Faking News and Unreal Times, to name a few, which were doing a fine job but their problem was that people didn’t read anything apart from first 8-9 words which happened to be their headline. But they surely had wit and good humor if not the best. Then in the last couple of years, new websites came up which you won’t believe, that they could blow your mind the next minute you log onto them. I wouldn’t share their URLs because hyper-linking is endorsement but I will give slight hints which might appear as Buzzfeed and their desi copy paste jobs like scoopwhoop, etc.

Ok, serious stuff from this line: These websites present comedy (and sometimes pictures from email forwards of the late 90s) with lists and have GIFs or just normal photos accompanying the 2-3 word text. This is because pictures are louder than words, we all know that and editorial quality of such websites is almost zero, why write text when you can post pictures. One of the common topics they touch is nostalgia by posting lists of 298 things you could do in 90s but cannot do now. Or 85 radio advertisements which people miss nowadays because they don’t listen to radio much. Or 36 types of people who are sexist because 24 hours a day they all talk about 36 sized people. But the lists and GIFs or normal pics with 28 pt sized text in Impact font with a stroke of 3 pts. are just for distraction. The best part about them are the headlines. These headlines might make you cry or blow your mind or make your limbs dysfunctional. The template for these headlines is so brilliant that it can never go old.

Now my point is that such websites are killing humor, shamelessly. They are making a reader keep his/her brain aside and laugh where they tell them to laugh. There is no subtle hidden humor which can make you smile. They have content which begs you to LOL by reminding you 25 things you might find funny but they aren’t but since we have added GIFs of emergency cute animals in them, they surely have become adorable.The reader doesn’t have to implement even a bit of the gray cell to read some genuinely good stuff which doesn’t accompany any picture. (like this text, hehe). The attention span had already taken a hit by those 140 character websites and now the sense of humor or the HQ or Humor Quotient has shattered into 128 pieces which got  mixed with the brain which had blown a while ago. I tried giving them some attention but couldn’t laugh on it, in the same way I cannot laugh at sitcoms which have a laughter track in them. Where are the good old pieces which tingled your funny bone and also shared the horrific news by mellowing them down to the level of humor? What happened to subtle humor which changed your opinion about things without making you go through pictures which take huge amount of time to load on your mobile if you are inside a loo and you have only 2G?. I hope people move over these lists and come back to real deal of text and larger attention spans. Amen.

So, if you didn’t read anything above since there were no bullet points or ordered lists, the summary is this: Humor is dying. (Same as headline. Did it blow your mind?)

P.S.: My last post on this was a NSFW comic. I loved making it, because it incorporated elements from few of my fav. web comics. Though, most didn’t understand that. Can’t blame because you like spending time on 9Gag more than the sites from where they curate stuffs actually.

Science of Abusing

Ever wondered why most of the abuses which usually everyone (across the world) uses on a daily basis are generally based around females or feminine parts?

For example: A couple of nights ago, I watched a recently released Hindi movie ‘Mardaani’ which is a Hindi word translated to English meaning ‘Masculine’. The protagonist is a female police officer and it’s about girl child trafficking who’s kingpin eventually gets busted by the lady officer. The most commonly used abuse in the movie, produced by someone who usually make lovey dovey movies, to make it look more ‘realistic’ is ‘Chutiya’ and its variants. This word, which is not even considered an abuse at many places in India, literally means someone who has female genital. So, in short, the movie which has a masculine name to show that the protagonist is a fearless and brave woman (like men usually are) uses the word which in itself derogatory for women (meaning weak and fragile like womenfolk usually are). According to many people, that is.

Almost every abuse you come across has to do something with a female. Even if a guy is a total sonofabitch, it’s his mother’s mistake apparently or politely you may say upbringing and that is solely mother’s responsibility because men don’t. If a guy does something ordinary or extra-ordinary or does nothing at all, people react usually by congratulating the sister. And surprisingly not only men use these abuses, many females use them as well. It is similar to showing off oneself as cool by smoking a cigarette. Now since prices have increased, only other way to show coolness is by abusing.

I was meaning to understand the logic behind this human tradition. Just putting up some questions without answers in this post:

  • Is it just a ploy to keep them under the thumb forever by keep making them feel inferior?
  • Is it just a way to make men feel guilty of their existence if they do anything remotely feminine, say crying?
  • Do people feel relieved after they abuse? Personally, only to a certain extent but never fully satisfied. Because probably I like to punch instead of abuse. But you cannot punch yourself always after a certain number of times, no?
  • Is it part of human genome to abuse to let go of stress? If yes, why not abuse a stone? Why only concentrate hatred on women?
  • What did women do to become a favorite in the abuse business? Who decided these rules of society where women cannot do certain things (Like burping (Remember Queen?))? And if they do, all hells break look.
  • Calling a man a woman or a donkey or whatever, how does that matter?
  • What is the science behind it?
  • Why do people laugh when they hear abuses? It is not as taboo as other things. It doesn’t require much of an effort.

And so on…